The Middle Woman

When I was kid, my family did not discuss their feelings. What was inside was a great mystery that I did not share with anyone. 

For whatever reason as me and my siblings got into our teen years, my dad wanted to avoid conflict with us. (I was not conscious of this at the time.) Maybe because he didn't want to spoil our already dwindling relationship, maybe it was actually always like that. I can't recall. Anyway, what would happen is that he would take out his anger and frustration on my mom, or communicate with my mom about things he was unhappy about. After that, she would come to us and say "dad is upset you are doing x, y or z and this is what you need to do to keep him from being angry."  She became this middle-woman in our relationship with our dad. 

I first noticed this dynamic when I was in my mid-20's when I was at a restaurant with my mom and dad. We were waiting on the waiter to bring us the ticket for our meal, and I grabbed my purse, preparing to leave. I was sitting directly across from my dad, with my mom next to him. Anyway, my mom, absent mindedly grabbed her purse after seeing me grab mine and although my dad saw me do it first, he immediately started getting upset with my mom for grabbing hers because we weren't done yet. She stood up for herself (something she has learned to do over the years) and told him "hey, I was just reacting to Kendall, she did it first" and this made me conscious of how he had always been like that. He couldn't take his anger out on us, so he would do it to her. 

This behavior unfortunately has led me into a whole lifetime of being afraid to speak up, be myself, and to avoid conflict at any cost. Well, the cost of avoiding conflict has been big. My mother taught us to lie to our father in the same way she would, to keep the peace.

When I was in my early 20's, I fell in love with someone and wanted him to like me so badly that I started to fabricate this false person just to be accepted by them. I never was, even in this form that was curated specifically for him. He often would do really toxic things like rating me vs. other women we knew on a scale of 1-10 and would communicate his preferences, and anything that did not make me feel like a 10 in his eyes would kill my self esteem. When I would express my feelings or opinions about things, he would get upset and I would get punished by him withdrawing affection or making me feel dumb. So I would just start creating a version of myself that woo be accepted. I ended up recognizing these unhealthy behaviors and healed some of this. 

Skip forward to my first marriage and lack of communication resulted in divorce. He was a hot head who never let me speak, I was used to shrinking and didn't push the conversation when it became tough. Once again though, if I managed to express my feelings, I would get punished. By this point, expression of my feelings just felt totally unsafe. 

Last year I had a new friend who had an attitude of "if you don't think the way I think, I will leave you" and because I enjoyed them so much, I would change myself just to be accepted. Again, learning that lesson. Well, that friendship is over now too. I never ended up sharing truth with this person when it was falling apart, as I felt it wouldn't make a difference. It probably wouldn't have, but it would have made a difference to not be inauthentic to begin with. 

I am writing about this because it is time I heal it fully. I see that I do this sometimes in my marriage today, although to a lesser degree. It comes automatically sometimes to just minimize myself and allow someone else to be dominant over me. However, I am really seeing the cost of not being honest and authentic. 

Not speaking up because I am afraid to be seen as stupid and to embarrass myself. Afraid to cause more conflict or damage a relationship. Afraid to make things real, instead of happy happy joy joy. 

Well, the result of this is not joyful. I go against myself and the result is always negative. It's time to allow myself to be seen, even when it is not liked by all. This will be an act of self-love.

Thank you Kendall for finding awareness. Thank you universe for helping me find awareness. I'm sorry Kendall for not standing up for you in the past. I will do my best to stand up for you in every future moment. I love you, Kendall.