Healing Journey Ramblings

I've been slowly working through different parts of my past, reflecting, crying, meditating and healing. Through this process and by having an amazing, loving and supportive partner, I've been able to overcome so much. Each day that goes by, I get closer to becoming the best version of myself possible. 

I started working through my most recent traumas and went backwards. First, was the abandonment trauma and loneliness I experienced at the end of 2020 and beginning of 2021. Then, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the last couple months of my marriage, which took place in the summer of 2020.

After that, I spent a lot of time analyzing the shit out of my entire marriage and all that went wrong there. I learned so much about myself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Jacob once told me that it would be a wasted experience to not learn as much as possible from our divorce, so that is what I did. I started reflecting on my childhood, and my very strong conditioning. I have been reprogramming my brain to have different thought patterns and reactions. It is a long process that I will be spending years and years on. I then spent some time working through some childhood trauma, although I feel like I will be spending a very long time working all of that out. I started focusing on energy levels and spirituality. Now, I have started to reach the point where I am digging into "cover stories" as John Glanvill calls them. Digging into the part of my brain that my ego tries to protect me from. The parts that I am least proud of. The parts that will hurt me most to dig into. It's exciting to be making progress. One thing I didn't expect in this phase was to realize that a good deal of the issues I had in my relationships were the result of emotional manipulation I had endured by a certain man in my late teens/early twenties. Like... SO MANY issues came from that time. It's interesting to me that my ego would rather think what it did rather than think that I was a fool and that I might have been a victim. My idealistic nature screwed me over time and time again, and I didn't even know it was a personality/conditioning flaw of mine until I was 30 years old.

I wish with all of my heart that I could go back in time and reverse the pain I have caused the people in my life. Causing others pain is the only regret I have ever had. I guess there's not a single human who ever lives who doesn't cause SOMEONE pain. My goal is to give as much love as possible to the humans around me for the rest of the time I am alive.