Brick by Brick

So, I've been wanting to journal again. I typically like to do it in bed and then reach over and turn my lamp off, but right now the lightbulb in my lamp is burnt out and I am too sleepy to walk across the room to turn the other one on and off. So here we are, on Blogger again instead. 

Since I last wrote on here, I left my job, went through a stressful 2-3 months looking for new housing and a new job, and then started a new job. Overall, it's probably been the most calm I've had in a loooong time. I think because of that, it has caused me a little anxiety, which is silly. I think I have this fear of... If something is going well, then certainly something bad is about to happen. I really need to get over that. 

Other recent update is that I have started to learn JavaScript. It's a long-term goal of mine to start my own software development company. With my business knowledge and my light, soon to be extensive software knowledge, I think it could happen. I can't kick this desire to try and improve the mental health problems in America, though. I know there's not a lot of money in it, but I don't think I will ever get over the draw to help people find happiness. Maybe I can find a way to do both.

For the first time in months and months, I am struggling with loneliness. Not that Nick doesn't fulfill me, I am just trying to give him the space he needs to have a healthy balance. I really need to find some local friends, I just find it so damn challenging. I have been thinking about pulling a Eu-Jin after I get a laptop and go to hang out at the local Starbucks where I can try to become buddies with the baristas. Lol. 

I have been going through this trauma recovery program and I feel like it is mostly helping, but I still really struggle with the events from the past year. I just have to keep putting the work in. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who don't actively work on their mental health. I'd be a fucking mess right now if I didn't love myself enough to do what was best for my health. I still feel like a mess sometimes. 

I don't know why Blogger feels like my safe space. It's therapeutic here. I think it's because it's technically on the internet, so someone could see it, but hardly anyone will. Public and private at the same time. 

I'd like to wrap this post up by saying that I am so proud of myself for how far I have come in the last year. If the people who know me now had seen me before, they wouldn't recognize me. Brick by brick, baby.