Grief

Friday morning I got a call from my mother telling me that my 19-year old cousin had died in a car accident. I was in shock for a good 5 minutes not really sure how to act. And then, I fell to the ground and started crying my eyes out and immediately knew I had to call out of work, because... I was experiencing a feeling I have never felt before. I feel like this week has been a dream. No, not a dream... a nightmare.

I flew to Baltimore the next day, and embraced all of my grieving family members. They were honestly handling it all a lot better than I thought they would be. I wanted to cry my eyes out as soon as I walked in, but since they weren't I kept my shit together. 

Laura and I were so close growing up. I have so many really great memories of our time together. We grew apart after I moved to CA, but I will never forget all of the fun we had. Amanda, Laura, and I. I remember our vacation to Ocean City when the three of us ate an entire watermelon, and Laura ended up throwing up the entire night. But we ate more watermelon the next day, because it was just so good. I remember fishing, and playing games, our modeling shows, our haunted houses, sliding down her basement steps on bean bags, watching Grease, our never ending dance and singing performances, the fun we had at the beach, etc. 

Anyway, the funeral was on Sunday and as soon as I walked into the viewing I saw Amanda hugging her uncle Chuck, and I went right over to them and gave them both big hugs. And then Amanda grabbed my hand and asked me if I wanted to go look at Laura's body. So, we went to the front and I couldn't help but cry. We all cried. So much. It was frightening to see Laura laying there so still... Looking at her photos she just looked so full of life and happy and beautiful. And the way she looked in front of me... I don't think I will ever erase that memory from my mind. It was a very long day. Six hours of feeling nothing but pain. But, I think it did help me heal somewhat. I got most of my crying out. And then I just spent the rest of the week in a zombie-like state eating and sitting and sleeping, until it was time to come home.

I really feel like this has changed the world for me. You really have no idea until someone close to you passes... It's hard to explain. But, I just feel so ready to take on life. Life is so wonderful... everything about it... ugh, idk. I am becoming overwhelmed while writing this, so I will just stop here.